It's unnerving how quickly I can go from feeling so thankful during my day to feeling bitter and ungrateful about the way things are going. And that's the story of my life recently. Grasping sweet excitement at where I am at this point in my life, only to find myself stuck in frustration the next moment, feeling ungrateful because I feel like I'm behind in life and giving more than I'm getting and feeling underappreciated and I hate it because it makes me bitter towards the people I love.
There's many reasons that are very easy to point out as to what's wrong with my mindset. I know them even more, at least in my head. I know I need a joy that won't change. I know that I am living for a God who sees me when no one else does and His opinion is the one that matters. I know that the reason I'm frustrated is because I'm making life about me and giving with the expectation that somehow I'll get something back eventually. Which isn't how my Savior has loved me, nor the natural response of someone who knows how extravagantly loved she is, given riches of a love she could never earn.
I opened my Bible yesterday to a chapter section titled “Hardheartedness.” Of course.
I opened my Bible yesterday to a chapter section titled “Hardheartedness.” Of course.
It was about some religious men that came up to Jesus, asking why there were instructions for how to handle divorce under the law, if God's plan for marriage was that a man and woman joined together in marriage wouldn't ever be separated, like Jesus was teaching. Jesus responded that it was because of the people’s hardheartedness that God gave that law, but that wasn’t the original plan. The original plan was that unless adultery was committed; you didn’t just leave when you felt like it.
Hardheartedness is really about stubbornness. Wanting my way instead of God’s way. Forgetting God’s heart and what He’s done for me, abandoning His plan for life that He has whispered in my ear, choosing instead to live by my own standards of what’s right and fair. It keeps me from knowing and living in His love that satisfies and heals and gives life and real joy. “No, no, no, this is not what I want,” My heart hurts as I write out these thoughts and realize what my bitterness is cutting me off from. Also, if God’s plan for my life is to shine for Him, be freely who He made me to be before Him, to know and love God and with all my heart…having one that is hard and resentful stomps all over that. I miss out on the full life God wants to give me, and I stifle the love of God that is supposed to flow from my relationship with Him to people around me.
I don’t want God to have to relate to me through my hardheartedness, around and despite my bitterness. I don’t want to live constantly fighting between His way and my way. I want the real root issue solved. Real healing. A new heart. Living together with my Creator who Jesus taught me to call Father, I want to be and stay on the same page as Him, to walk in step with my Maker with nothing between us or separating us in any way. I want the original plan that Jesus talked about. I want the new, born again life that Jesus came to give, the new heart that He bought for me through His sacrifice on the cross that was enough forever and ever. I want a heart that is free and open to the wonders and majesty and power and closeness and love of my true Father.
When Adam and Eve first chose their own way instead of God’s and shame entered the world, God made clothes for them and covered them. But that wasn’t the original plan. I don’t want to just hide anymore. To cover up and pretend nothing is wrong and close my heart off even more. Especially because somehow I can't help but believe Jesus when He said He has made a way for me to experience real, inside-out healing for my stubbornness. His love covers and I’m grateful. But I don’t want to stay like this, covered but living from a place of what I want instead of His plan.
I need Your heart Lord. The back and forth waves of thankful contentment and silent bitterness push and pull me throughout the day. I’m frustrated at my wandering heart and I know You’re the only one stable enough to be my true refuge, my safe place. Like the quote that a friend shared recently, “The only one who can satisfy the human heart is the One who made it.” What else can I do but keep falling at Your feet, asking You to make me new? I need You if I ever want to fully be the "me" I was created to be.
Hardheartedness is really about stubbornness. Wanting my way instead of God’s way. Forgetting God’s heart and what He’s done for me, abandoning His plan for life that He has whispered in my ear, choosing instead to live by my own standards of what’s right and fair. It keeps me from knowing and living in His love that satisfies and heals and gives life and real joy. “No, no, no, this is not what I want,” My heart hurts as I write out these thoughts and realize what my bitterness is cutting me off from. Also, if God’s plan for my life is to shine for Him, be freely who He made me to be before Him, to know and love God and with all my heart…having one that is hard and resentful stomps all over that. I miss out on the full life God wants to give me, and I stifle the love of God that is supposed to flow from my relationship with Him to people around me.
I don’t want God to have to relate to me through my hardheartedness, around and despite my bitterness. I don’t want to live constantly fighting between His way and my way. I want the real root issue solved. Real healing. A new heart. Living together with my Creator who Jesus taught me to call Father, I want to be and stay on the same page as Him, to walk in step with my Maker with nothing between us or separating us in any way. I want the original plan that Jesus talked about. I want the new, born again life that Jesus came to give, the new heart that He bought for me through His sacrifice on the cross that was enough forever and ever. I want a heart that is free and open to the wonders and majesty and power and closeness and love of my true Father.
When Adam and Eve first chose their own way instead of God’s and shame entered the world, God made clothes for them and covered them. But that wasn’t the original plan. I don’t want to just hide anymore. To cover up and pretend nothing is wrong and close my heart off even more. Especially because somehow I can't help but believe Jesus when He said He has made a way for me to experience real, inside-out healing for my stubbornness. His love covers and I’m grateful. But I don’t want to stay like this, covered but living from a place of what I want instead of His plan.
I need Your heart Lord. The back and forth waves of thankful contentment and silent bitterness push and pull me throughout the day. I’m frustrated at my wandering heart and I know You’re the only one stable enough to be my true refuge, my safe place. Like the quote that a friend shared recently, “The only one who can satisfy the human heart is the One who made it.” What else can I do but keep falling at Your feet, asking You to make me new? I need You if I ever want to fully be the "me" I was created to be.
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