Hardheartedness

It's unnerving how quickly I can go from feeling so thankful during my day to feeling bitter and ungrateful about the way things are going. And that's the story of my life recently. Grasping sweet excitement at where I am at this point in my life, only to find myself stuck in frustration the next moment, feeling ungrateful because I feel like I'm behind in life and giving more than I'm getting and feeling underappreciated and I hate it because it makes me bitter towards the people I love.

There's many reasons that are very easy to point out as to what's wrong with my mindset. I know them even more, at least in my head. I know I need a joy that won't change. I know that I am living for a God who sees me when no one else does and His opinion is the one that matters. I know that the reason I'm frustrated is because I'm making life about me and giving with the expectation that somehow I'll get something back eventually.  Which isn't how my Savior has loved me, nor the natural response of someone who knows how extravagantly loved she is, given riches of a love she could never earn.

I opened my Bible yesterday to a chapter section titled “Hardheartedness.” Of course.

It was about some religious men that came up to Jesus, asking why there were instructions for how to handle divorce under the law,  if God's plan for marriage was that a man and woman joined together in marriage wouldn't ever be separated, like Jesus was teaching. Jesus responded that it was because of the people’s hardheartedness that God gave that law, but that wasn’t the original plan. The original plan was that unless adultery was committed; you didn’t just leave when you felt like it.

Hardheartedness is really about stubbornness. Wanting my way instead of God’s way. Forgetting God’s heart and what He’s done for me, abandoning His plan for life that He has whispered in my ear, choosing instead to live by my own standards of what’s right and fair. It keeps me from knowing and living in His love that satisfies and heals and gives life and real joy. “No, no, no, this is not what I want,” My heart hurts as I write out these thoughts and realize what my bitterness is cutting me off from. Also, if God’s plan for my life is to shine for Him, be freely who He made me to be before Him, to know and love God and with all my heart…having one that is hard and resentful stomps all over that. I miss out on the full life God wants to give me, and I stifle the love of God that is supposed to flow from my relationship with Him to people around me.

I don’t want God to have to relate to me through my hardheartedness, around and despite my bitterness. I don’t want to live constantly fighting between His way and my way. I want the real root issue solved. Real healing. A new heart. Living together with my Creator who Jesus taught me to call Father, I want to be and stay on the same page as Him, to walk in step with my Maker with nothing between us or separating us in any way. I want the original plan that Jesus talked about. I want the new, born again life that Jesus came to give, the new heart that He bought for me through His sacrifice on the cross that was enough forever and ever. I want a heart that is free and open to the wonders and majesty and power and closeness and love of my true Father.

When Adam and Eve first chose their own way instead of God’s and shame entered the world, God made clothes for them and covered them. But that wasn’t the original plan. I don’t want to just hide anymore. To cover up and pretend nothing is wrong and close my heart off even more. Especially because somehow I can't help but believe Jesus when He said He has made a way for me to experience real, inside-out healing for my stubbornness. His love covers and I’m grateful. But I don’t want to stay like this, covered but living from a place of what I want instead of His plan.

I need Your heart Lord. The back and forth waves of thankful contentment and silent bitterness push and pull me throughout the day. I’m frustrated at my wandering heart and I know You’re the only one stable enough to be my true refuge, my safe place. Like the quote that a friend shared recently, “The only one who can satisfy the human heart is the One who made it.” What else can I do but keep falling at Your feet, asking You to make me new? I need You if I ever want to fully be the "me" I was created to be. 

Frustrations...a draft from the beginning of the year that I never posted

Some days I am thankful that He knows my heart and thoughts, when I don't have the words to express what I'm feeling and I wouldn't have the strength to say them anyway. Some days I feel worn down and misunderstood and alone, and the taunting voices in my head whisper, "Is it worth it, is it worth it?"

I try to shut out the voices that tell me to give up, that it's too much for me to handle. I already know that. I am living for a life that is so much greater than my own; one that I cannot do without Jesus. And God whispers His strength for me right back to my heart, reminding me that living a life that is impossible without relying on Him is the only way I want to live. Warmth and strength and beautiful hope flood through me as I read Paul's words in his letter to the Corinthians:

"Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we’re not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times...Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we’re proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, “Light up the darkness!” and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken...what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! "

Life lived without Jesus as the King of my life might be easier. But it would NOT be worth it. I don't want a life of easy. I want a life of knowing Him.  And this is hard when it leads me to feel tension where I once felt comfort.

My heart feels like it's being ripped apart because I see emptiness all around me. And sometimes the fight seems impossibly overwhelming.  I see people needing a Rescuer but not even knowing it. 

It's hard because I know this Rescuer. The One who continued to call my name even when I was stubborn and didn't want to hear Him. The One who came and got me when I found myself wondering why life was so empty. The One who I entrusted my empty, and who filled me with life I didn't know existed. It was Jesus who set me free from a life lived for myself, and He who is teaching me daily more and more about what it means to live a life that matters. Knowing Him is a treasure that I cannot put into words.

But it is also knowing Him that makes it so hard. It's hard when the treasure of Jesus here with us seems to go as unnoticed by most of the world as when He was born in a stable, in a crowded town with everyone else concerned and busy with their lives and getting things done that they totally missed it.

I'm frustrated but don't know how to fix it or what to do to make it better. It's hard for me to grasp the fact that there are things I can't change.  But I try, oh how I try. I convince myself it will all be ok if I work harder, pray more, plan better, be more dependable, more loving, spend more time with people. I convince myself that I can. I can do it all. And I keep going until even my stubbornness isn't enough.

I read about Jesus and how He flipped over tables at the temple when He was frustrated and I imagine I am there. Frustrated at the unfairness and exploitation around me and frustrated that I don't see a way out, how it will ever change. And then I hear the crash of a table being thrown. I am shocked to turn to see Jesus. Without stopping He knocks over another. He is yelling something, fury in His voice. Chaos ensues and animals are running and people are yelling  My first reaction is to tell Him to stop. "Are you out of your mind?" I want to ask this Him, "You're disturbing everything!" Yet at the same time there's a part of me that has been longing for someone to do this. To make the wrong things right, things that I feel I am helpless to do anything about. And here is Jesus, doing it in a way that is fierce, bold, intentional, unapologetic.

In the middle of it my confused eyes meet His and I feel held in place by His gaze, like time is frozen. I am afraid but in a good way. Because in this second I just know: He knows.

He knows my frustrations. He hates injustice. He knows what He is doing. And there's something else that I don't know if I can bring myself to really believe because I don't want to get my hopes up. But it's this: that He's fighting for me.

I forget I want Him to be in control, the One who fights for me, the One who holds me when I realize I can't hold it all together. I come before Him protesting and angry and frustrated and wanting things to be different than how they are. And I hear His voice saying, "I am mad about things too." I didn't know that was allowed.

And after the temple has been cleared the blind and the lame come to Him and He heals them. He makes eyes that only saw dark nothingness see color and life and beauty. Hands and legs that couldn't move are waving and dancing. Mouths that couldn't speak are singing to God. The place begins to pulse with life from the most unexpected people.

I didn't think that was allowed. I thought you had to be somebody special.  But here is Jesus healing anyone who comes, bringing life to anyone who wants to find it.